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Updated December 6, 2025.
“Truth does not abandon the hearts that fly free.” Connie Bonner-Britt
I struggled significantly in my early learning years. I learned quite young that I needed to become a self taught individual if I was going to survive my fears created from school situations and family issues surrounding my life. From teaching myself jewelry making, to making my own clothes, to inventing creative ways to survive and graduate from high school. I was married at 21, very much in love. My husband was a good man but also struggled with family dynamics that caused him much grief and later on in our marriage. At twenty three I taught myself Lamaze child birth practices from a library book before it was being taught in the United States. I was carrying my first child, Jennifer, she was born in October of 1970, and named after my childhood best friend. We lived in Mendocino, California at the time. My husband was in the Coast Guard and he was stationed at the light house there. It was heavenly and a very happy and beautiful time in our lives. By the time my second child was born, Lamaze classes were being taught through the Red Cross and other organizations. Our marriage began to have struggles as my husband was showing early signs of mental illness of which neither one of understood at the time. I became more and more confused and found that I needed to find a way into my educational in order to support us financially.
I discovered the teaching of Dr Maria Montessori from a friend, I became very excited to share her teachings with my mother. She and my sister, Diana, gave me a beautiful book by Dr. Montessori for Christmas that same year, it was 1972, my second daughter, Emily, was a month old and named after my great grandmother. I soon found myself taking courses, teaching my two very young daughters what I was learning and receiving my Montessori Teaching Certificate by 1977. I was hired by the Swinomish Head Start program as a preschool teacher that fall. I also used the Montessori tools in our home with my daughters to assure sure both of my children knew how to read and write before they were enrolled in public school. After my mother and my grandmother, Deedee mom, Dr. Montessori was one my first mentor.
By that time my husband and I were divorced. During the next several years he would wander without proper medical care. Eventually I was not able to continue the difficulty of being a single mom, knowing he was homeless and suffering, his family did not realize the severity of his mental unless until years later. Through many hard choices I choose to take care of him in our home working to maintain a family and my education and a business for the next 10 plus years. It would not be until 1997 that he would finally be diagnosed with Schizophrenia. After we were able to finally get him medical assistance and proper disability insurance for he went to live with his mother and sister. He would be safe and under proper care now. Our daughters would be in their early twenties by that time. I would go on to complete my MA degree and build a life for myself knowing I had done what I could, through trial and error, and deep lessons of courage both for my first husband and our daughters.
Further backstory into my own childhood and why I felt like an outcast in my early school. I was not allowed to do certain activities that other kids were doing. For example, making cards for holiday gifts. I remember being very disappointed when my teacher told me my writing was not good enough. I had a speech therapist in the second grade. She was so frightening in her approach that on the days I was suppose to see her I would hide in my bedroom when it was time to go to school, not knowing how to tell my mom about my fears. As the oldest of five children, my parents who loved us and worked hard to provide for us, did not know how to help me either. When I was nine years old I contracted pneumonia. I was treated for months, sometimes too weak to go to the doctor, he would come to our house and give me an injection of penicillin. The pneumonia was recurring and the doctor just kept giving me antibiotic shots. Eventually my mother took me to a specialist. I was loosing ground and was very ill.
The specialist took an x ray and discovered I had swallowed a small piece of plastic and it was lodged in my left lung causing it to collapse. I remembered of course, after talking with my parents and the doctor, that I had swallowed a small game piece that I had been sucking on. I remembered the chocking, the feeling of passing out, not being able to breath at the time. I remembered my mother settling me into bed after the episode, telling me I would be okay. Neither of us connected the recurring pneumonia with that incident. The constant fears I carried did great harm to me as I did not have a voice to speak up in my behalf. It would take years of hiding my fears, expressing them through impulses that continued to harm me, emotionally trapped in my own body, before I would reclaim my self, my free will, and my voice.
When I was young no one really knew about, diagnosed, or addressed ADHD or Dyslexia in young children. Learning reading and math skills was basically a disaster, as I did not learn the way other kids did. I learned to turn to those who would be my life long mentors by researching what I needed at the library. Somehow librarians were very patient and helped me with the card catalog system. I would learn early on, even as a poor reader at the time, to choose mentors through books, that would afford me healthy pathways to my spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical development. One of my favorite books in high school was a gift I had received of a hard cover dictionary. A wonderful mentor in high school for me was Jane Addams. I studied her and wrote book reports about her. I would eventually write about her in my college essays as well. She was an American settlement activist, social worker, socialist, public administrator, philosopher, and author. Jane Addams was a leader in the history of social work and women's suffarage. She became the first woman to win the Nobel Peace Prize for her work in promoting international peace and for her leadership in the peace movement.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jane_Addams.
When I learned about Transcendental Meditation in the early seventies, I took a class at the local community center and went on to continue practicing mediation on and off all of my life. Never really understanding what it was I was doing or how it might be helping me. It just felt right. I learned and practiced yoga from a book but didn't take a class until my early forties. In the early nineties I read and studied "Women who Run With The Wolves" by Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estés. She soon became one of my beloved mentors and still is. I used her teachings on trauma recovery and honoring women's voices through story telling as part of my thesis work for my MA degree.
I received my Masters Degree in human development with specializations in child development, parent education and community work at Pacific Oaks College, finally completing my thesis in 2002. I began my BA work in 1995. Pacific Oaks College has a main campus in Pasadena, California and until recently had an out reach campus in Seattle. I completed both on line and in person courses in Seattle and Pasadena. The staff were very respectful and inviting. I developed friendships and acquired nurturing relationships with my professors, Dr. Barbara Daniels, and Dr. Elizabeth Jones, founder of the college. Im overwhelming grateful for their contributions to my education.
Both became my mentors for many years. Their dedication to me as my eventual co-thesis chairs gave me the courage to recover my voice through my own story telling process and to become who I am today. They never let up on challenging my writing, and while it all drove me mad and often to tears, I am forever grateful to them! I learned of the college at an educational fair I attended while studying at Skagit Valley College, where I received my associates degree in early childhood education. I enrolled through applying for grants and loans which are now all paid off.
"Grounded in its social justice heritage, Pacific Oaks College prepares students to be culturally intelligent agents of change serving diverse communities in the fields of human development, education, and related family studies. Pacific Oaks is committed to providing and promoting a diverse and inclusive environment for all students, faculty, and staff, where each person can succeed professionally regardless of race, ethnicity, culture, nationality, gender, religion, sexual orientation, gender identity, gender expression, age, marital status, or ability. We believe diversity and inclusion enrich the educational experience of our students, faculty, and staff and are necessary to prepare all people to thrive personally and professionally in a global society."
A link to the life and contributions of dear Elizabeth Jones who passed away in November of 2022 at 92 years of age. https://hub.exchangepress.com/articles-on-demand/3176/
Over the years, since the late nineties, I have studied the works of and taken courses from Dr Caroline Myss, author of "Anatomy of The Spirit". Her auto tapes were given to me from my massage therapist who I started seeing after a car accident I was in 1997. The other driver hit me head on going 100 miles an hour according the police report. Witnesses confirmed the incident. After several weeks of physical and emotional distress and of not having a car as mine was totaled, I decided to take the driver, who had no auto insurance to court. A letter was sent to my insurance agent from a man who happened to be in his car parked across the street from the incident, stating what he had seen. The letter would be a God send. I studied the audio tapes by Dr Myss daily for six months. They helped me transform myself after the accident. I began reading her books and eventually took a two day training course with Dr Myss, while working at Skagit Mental Health Children Services. I had been working there for about seven months before the accident. It was there I would meet my second husband as I worked as an intern to receive my Washington State Mental Health Counseling certification. Dr Myss has ever since been another respected mentor that I continue to learn from.
Pema Chodron, Tibetan Buddhist nun and teacher, now 84 years old, has been another inspirational teacher for me over the last twenty years or so. I make sincere efforts to understand and practice her teachings on midndfulness and meditation. I have used Pema's practices of understanding our shared humanity of harmony and chaos within ourselves in my professional work with individuals as a licensed Mental Health Therapist and a Reiki practitioner the whole of my professional career. I would receive my Washington state, Mental Health Counselor Certification in 2004. My internship with Skagit Mental Health Childern's Services was from 1997 through 2004. I completed my Reiki Master training of four years during that time as well.
I have listened to Pema Chodron's audio “Coming Closer to Ourselves” many times. (please see references for her work below). I would like to share my thoughts and recommendations for supporting chaotic energies. Perhaps you might be feeling and noticing in your body a collective experience of discomfort and distress that is affecting all of us at this time. I have been feeling more intense levels of both these types of energies lately. It all leaves me feeling confused and hopeless. I find I need lots of space between tasks for quiet and calm. I need lots of meditative moments of quietness. I write this as of 12/05/25 at last full moon of the year.
Here’s what I’ve learned: How….I make decisions about my day’s activities are about making choices that are Less active rather than More active. I’ve found myself over focused, with a feeling of necessity, on the tragedies and chaos of world events and political wranglings. The more I focus on the man made mess the more massive the internal distress wells up in me. I need lots of reminders that I actually do know what to do in these. I’ve been practicing and teaching these self care skills now for over 25 years through my learned and lived experiences that have led me to my Elderhood years! I do know how to protect myself, I do know what my protective factors are that guide in choosing healthy internal boundaries. I do know how to make safe decisions and create calmness for myself.
How and what do I choose to do about the chaos and when to pay attention to it….if at all or for any of it? What do I let go of as a matter of sanity in my own life? I honor and recognize these on going inner questions and conflicts as being driven by something Pema Chodron calls, “Ubiquitous Nervousness.” A term she often refers to in her talks, shared from her Buddhist teachers. We all carry some level of nervousness within us. The question is what do we do with it?
I’ve decided to share the personal practices that have been helpful to me over the years. I hope my experiences here are helpful to those reading my work.
At this writing I've been fully retired from professional work now for just over two years. One healing practice for me is writing. Which I learned to do as I mentioned as a student at Pacific Oaks College. Writing is a skill I find joyful and of course sometimes frustrating when at the same time. It keeps me mentally and emotionally active by enabling me to continue to stay connected to my years of practicing and reflecting on my own experiences and how I learned and continue to practice healthy self care. I have six grand children from the ages of 11 to 23 years old. I volunteer as a member of Friends of the Library in our community. I have a community garden plot that I love working in. I am enjoying new friendships through an International Grandmother's Circle that I was invited into about three years ago now. I have a full, rich life with my beloved husband. A beautiful and grateful life. These are the gifts in my life that bring me joy now…today. However, I still feel overwhelmed by the world's chaotic turns and exhausting events. I need to practice self care...daily...to not be consumed by it!!
Pema Chodron's gentleness is refreshing, as is her intelligence and humor, as she guides you to understanding the purpose of practicing meditation. She describes her own life experiences on how she learned to be gentle and kind with herself. Her teachings as a Buddhist nun and teacher of Buddhism are about practicing meditation by bringing or settling into and staying with yourself with the honesty of the subtleties of the inner nervousness. Developing clarity and courage as you become aware of your own feelings and thoughts at a deeper level. She guides us to consider being open to both the harmony and the chaos within. Learning to understand how to accept the tension of the duality of positive and negative emotions which are as she states, both just energy.
Nothing to do beyond noticing and being curious about the energy in your body and the thoughts and emotions that arise. Becoming aware of whatever arises and letting go, as a practice of being with the energy. Staying with it, not trying to get rid of it or change anything as a necessary solution, which can often show up in ourselves as impulsive behaviors made to dispel the discomfort by attempting to hide it or get rid of it.
Another teacher and practice…I trained in Aikido, a modern form of Japanese martial art, for a short time in the late seventies. I started learning from a book of course. eventually a friend introduced me to a dear soul who was trained in the art. He also happened to be a Baha’i. Through correspondence he eventually came to visit me and offered me a few instructions, giving me a practical guide book with steps to practice. He was an elder, he still worked for the post office in Seattle. He took the time to travel to visit with me and spend a couple of hours sharing his humble wisdom. I learned several movements and techniques that taught me how to connect more fully with my body so I could bring myself into a fuller awareness of my unconscious self, reflect more deeply on making choices based on my inner feelings through subtle movement and situational awareness. Over time and in practicing still, I learned to sit with the internal discomfort and let it pass, before ever acting or responding to the uncomfortable situation. I learned to make fewer, less harmful acts towards myself as well as others. I find these practices have kept me safe in many situations in my life, when I remember to practice them, and I always need to re-remember to practice the skills. Offering gratitude for my Asian friend and Aikido teacher.
To remember…The word remember is a verb: "to have or be able to bring to one's mind an awareness of (someone or something that one has seen, known, or expected in the past)." Oxfords language Dictionary.
I have come to appreciate Pema Chodron’s work, and the work of the great spiritual healers that I have been blessed with in my life. The gifts of wisdom I've received is now the foundation of my spiritual development and my spiritual beliefs. These experiences in my life are the pathway to my spiritual development. I have been a seeker of religious truth since a young child. I began going to church with neighbors, my parents did not have a church that they attended. When I was nine years old my grandmother took me to the United Methodist Church in Dunnyvale, California where we lived. We attended Sunday school there. I was given my first Bible of which I still treasure. As a young g mother I began studying the Baha'i Writings in the Spring of 1974, just after moving up Anacortes, Washington with my first husband and our young daughters. As I studied the Holy Writing’s of the Baha’i Faith, I was especially intrigued with the principles of "progression revelation". All religions have the same spiritual teachings. Manifestations of God arrive for humanity about every thousand years or so to reawaken us to what we have forgotten about being spiritual beings. From the time of Adam to now. The manifestation for this age is Baha’u’llah, meaning The Glory of God. His message for our time is the oneness of humanity, the unity of religions. Regarding meditation, there is a Baha'i teaching that states, "One hour of reflection is worth 70 years of pious worship." (Bahá’u’lláh, The Kitáb-i-Iqan, (The Book of Certitude, p. 238). There are no directions on how one should meditate in the Baha'i Writings, just that the practice brings you closer to understanding yourself as a spiritual being.
I have learned for myself that I need some guidance as it relates to meditation and my path to my own spiritual practices and development. In the book, “Paris Talks”, a question was posed "What is meditation in reality and how do we meditate? ‘Abdu’l-Bahá, son of Baha’u’llah, explains the process in simple and clear terms: "It is an axiomatic fact that while you meditate you are speaking with your spirit. In that state of mind you put certain questions to your spirit and the spirit answers: the light breaks forth and the reality is revealed. You cannot apply the name ‘man’ to any being void of this faculty of meditation; without it he would be a mere animal, lower than the beasts." ‘Abdu’l-Bahá, Paris talks, pg 174-175.
https://www.bahai.org/library/authoritative-texts/abdul-baha/paris-talks/
In learning meditation as it relates to one’s self emotionally and spiritually, Pema states, “Emotions are the combination of energy and thought. You let the thoughts go and what’s left is energy. This is the practice, not the solution, but the practice of meditation”. In my opinion her teachings on the practice of meditation and her guidance in general can be considered a self care choice leading to a deeper calm. Something that I surely need and as I practice have found to be very helpful in discovering joy and a deeper meaning to my decision making and life's choices.
One more way to define this principle and practice of choosing a meditation practice as an act of self care is to consider it as choosing to take a “Five Step Self Time Out” for yourself. This is a term my husband of 26 years, and a marriage and family counselor, coined as he was working with families. He developed the "The Self Time Out Tools" and invited me to collaborate with him in his work. The tools are very clear and simple in understanding "feeling language". Often our innermost feelings are difficult to discover within ourselves when we are overwhelmed with anxiety, frustration, anger and fear created from trauma and stress.
As a retired mental health counselor, I’ve studied and written about these insight tools extensively now along side my husband, Chuck Britt. Along with my Life skills and lived experiences, in the work, it didn't take long to learn Chuck and I had much in common. When he asked me to marry him one night over dinner, in the winter of 1998, yes came easy and was a joyful decision. We married one month later. The day after our wedding, which took place on January 2, 1999 at Deception Pass State Park, we spoke at the Methodist Church in Mount Vernon, where we had been invited to speak about the “Self Time Out Parenting Tools”. I have come to believe in the practical application of the Self time Out Tools first hand through using the tools over many years with the clients I have worked with and in continued collaboration with my husband. I have witnessed hundreds of individuals and families go through transformational healing using the tools. We continue to offer free and printable materials on our website. https://www.selftimeout.org
As I become aware of the struggle and discomfort in my body, I can choose to reflect and ask myself, what do I feel, what do I need? I can ask, are my choices in this moment life giving, joyful and confirming, or are they life threatening and full of fear, anger and confusion? Very subtle meditative questions that can be a beginning to sitting down and moving closer to yourself. Meditation can become more about learning to not struggle with the uncomfortable feelings of push and pull, for and against, natural dualistic thinking, as Pema Chodron describes it. It can be about actually discovering a curiosity about oneself. Do my choices bring comfort or escalation within myself and my relationships with others? Do my choices give me less turmoil and fear or a more relaxed sense of calm as I make decisions and go about my day?
The practice of noticing my feelings and needs can be a gentle shift of awareness. As uncomfortable as it might feel, remember it’s only energy flowing within the body. I can stop at any given moment and notice the discomfort the energy flowing within my body. As I do so, I will have more information to choose from about my feelings and my needs. I can choose to make a plan to take care of myself, to be with myself, gently, listening to my feelings and needs. This shift helps me to feel less anxious as I become more focused and self aware of my feeling. This is the foundation of a "Five Step Self Time Out".
Meditation and self reflection can serve as a way of noticing what I am feeling and needing as a pathway to reducing chaos and increasing joy in my life. These practices have become a part of my daily self care for quite some time now. They serve my spiritual, mental, emotional and physical needs in predictable patterns that have served to create safety in my life and guide my choices over time.
Perhaps, as science is teaching us, these practices affect me in the same way learning to ride a bike did when I was a kid. Neurological pathways of development, connecting and reconnecting throughout the body, at every step. Practicing what I've learned from my mentors over the years and being supported by the practical use of insightful self care tools, has created patterns within my being that keeps me balanced and support who I am as a healthy whole human being. When I take the time to notice my feelings and needs and practice the skills I’ve learned, I notice I feel more confident in myself and my choices about what I now need to be learning now…in my Elderhood years.
I know what it feels like to fall off the path. I know what it feels like to get back on the path. I can choose to continue to practice what works for me in my Elderhood years. How do I address my fears and confusions about what it feels like to be getting "older"? Sharing my writings, my stories, and my self care practices with you here, helps me stay connected with myself and with my life as I walk this path and learn to balance the chaos about what Elderhood means for me.
I am always reading more than one book at a time. I’ve read two books reently by, Anne Lamott, after my friend sent me one of her articles. She is funny, painfully honest and grounded, trying to stay sane, healing writer! The most recent book I am reading now is titled, "Elderhood" Redefining Aging, Transforming Medicine, Reimagining Life. By Louise Aronson MD. 2021. She is a graduate of Harvard Medical School, a geriatrician, educator and professor of medicine at the University of California. It is a 450 page textbook. Not sure about how its assisting me other than informing me of how our medical system has failed to support elders as they age. I don’t think I’ll make it through the book. I’m reading it in sections from the index based on my interest and mood. I do need wisdom about my aging process. I have fear about aging, as my body changes and I’m unable to do what I used to even five years ago.
Final notes.
My mother and father are my wisdom keepers and first mentors on the subject of Elderhood! God bless them for allowing me to be their medical advocate in their final years, walking with them through their health care needs, and becoming a full part of their elder years experiences. I am realizing that my reflective writing here on “Chaos and The Elder Years” has been a story unfolding throughout my narrative writing blog page of fifteen years now. Writing has been a way for me to document my life’s lessons and experiences. I write my stories because it is healing for me. A web of stories about my life wrapped around me like a beautiful dancing shawl.
Here are some resources from my mentors that you may find helpful:
Pema Chödrön (Standard Tibetan: པདྨ་ཆོས་སྒྲོན།, romanized: padma chos sgron, lit. 'lotus dharma lamp'; born Deirdre Blomfield-Brown, July 14, 1936) is an American-born Tibetan Buddhist. She is an ordained nun, former acharya of Shambhala Buddhism and disciple of Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche.Chödrön has written several dozen books and audiobooks, and was principal teacher at Gampo Abbey in Nova Scotia until recently. She retired in 2020.
Pema Chodron https://www.soundstrue.com/products/coming-closer-to-ourselves (from Sounds True publications, soundstrue.com)
Pema Chodron A talk from Sounds True: “Unconditional Confidence, Instructions for Meeting any Experience with Trust and Courage.”
Pema Chodron “The Places That Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness. A Guide to fearlessness in Difficult times.”
I suggest reading any of Pema Cohodron's articles in the magazine, Lions Roar. The most interesting current article of Pema’s is:https://www.lionsroar.com/from-suffering-to-awakening-3-ways-to-transform-your-emotions/ you may need to create a free account.
Finally often in Pema Chodron’s talks she will refer you to her recommendations for readings that led her to becoming a Buddhist nun and one of the main writings and authors she refers to is on the subject of “negative negativity”.
One such writing link is at: https://www.thezengateway.com/culture/choegyam-trungpa-working-with-negativity
Clarissa Pinkola Estés (née Reyes; born January 27, 1945) is a Mexican-American writer and Jungian psychoanalyst. She is the author of Women Who Run with the Wolves (1992), which remained on the New York Times bestseller list for 145 weeks and has sold over two million copies.
Caroline Myss (pronounced mace; born December 2, 1952) is an American author of 10 books and many audio recordings about mysticism and wellness. She is most well known for publishing Anatomy of the Spirit (1996). She also co-published The Creation of Health with Dr C Norman Shealy, MD, former Harvard professor of neurology. Myss describes herself as a medical intuitive and a mystic.
Maria Tecla Artemisia Montessori (/ˌmɒntɪˈsɔːri/ MON-tiss-OR-ee; Italian: [maˈriːa montesˈsɔːri]; 31 August 1870 – 6 May 1952) was an Italian physician and educator best known for her philosophy of education (the Montessori method) and her writing on scientific pedagogy. At an early age, Montessori enrolled in classes at an all-boys technical school, with hopes of becoming an engineer. She soon had a change of heart and began medical school at the Sapienza University of Rome, becoming one of the first women to attend medical school in Italy; she graduated with honors in 1896. Her educational method is in use globally in many public and private schools.
The Kitab-I-Iqan: The Book of Certitude. "A treatise revealed by Bahá’u’lláh in Baghdad in 1861/62 in response to questions posed by one of the maternal uncles of the Báb, translated by Shoghi Effendi and first published in English in 1931." https://www.bahai.org/library/authoritative-texts/bahaullah/kitab-i-iqan/
The official website of the worldwide Baha'i community: https://www.bahai.org/
"Blessed is the spot, and the house, and the place, and the city, and the heart, and the mountain, and the refuge, and the cave, and the valley, and the land, and the sea, and the island, and the meadow where mention of God hath been made, and His praise glorified." Bah'u'llah. https://www.bahaiprayers.org
Top photo taken of me age 77, at Grandveiw Cemetery Anacortes, WA, October 30, 2025 by my husband.
Bottom photo taken of me at about age 30, by my friend Marcy North, in the Summer of 1978. Gentlemen in the background are Bill Mitchell of Anacortes, and his friend, of whom I do not have a name.
Drawing created December 3, 2025. Titled Shawl Dance: Merging out of Chaos.
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