Balancing Chaos in my Elder Years.

 

I struggled significantly in my early learning years. I learned quite young that I needed to become a self  taught individual if I was going to survive school,  my family, and my life.  From teaching myself jewelry making, to making my own clothes, to inventing creative ways to survive and graduate from high school. At twenty three I taught myself Lamaze child birth practices from a library book before it was being taught in the United States. I was carrying my first child. By the time my second child was born, Lamaze classes were being taught through the Red Cross and other organizations. After I discovered the teaching of Dr Maria Montessori from a friend, I became very excited to share her teachings with my mother. She and my sister, Diana, gave me a beautiful book by Dr. Montessori for Christmas that same year, it was 1972. I soon found myself taking courses, teaching my two very young daughters what I was learning and receiving my Montessori Teaching Certificate by 1976. I made sure both my children knew how to read  and write before they were enrolled in public school. I consider Dr. Montessori my first mentor.

I was pretty much an outcast in school in terms of receiving any assistance for my disabilities. When I was young no one really knew about, diagnosed, or addressed ADHD or Dyslexia in young children. Therefore, I basically self taught myself in just about everything I know. Thank goodness for my grandmother for her teachings, and my parents who gave me life. They nurtured me and always supported me. I turned to those who would be my life long mentors by researching the library and seeking knowledge for myself that would afford me healthy pathways to my spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical development. One of my favorite books in high school was a gift I had received of a hard cover dictionary.

 When I learned about Transcendental Meditation in the early seventies, I took a class at the local community center and went on to continue practicing mediation on and off all of my life. Never really understanding what it was I was doing or how it might be helping me, It just felt right. I learned and practiced yoga from a book and didn't take a class until my early forties. In the early nineties I read and studied "Women who Run With The Wolves" by Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estés. She soon became one of my beloved mentors and still is. I used her teachings as part of my thesis work for my MA degree. 

I received my masters degree in human development with specializations in child development, parent education and community work at Pacific Oaks College, finally completing my thesis in 2002. I began my BA work in 1995. Pacific Oaks College has a main campus in Pasadena, California and until recently had out reach campus in Seattle. I completed both on line and in person courses in Seattle and Pasadena. The staff were very respectful and inviting. I developed friendships and acquired nurturing relationships with my professors, who became my mentors for many years. Their dedication to me as my eventual thesis chairs gave me the courage to become who I am.  They never let up on challenging my writing, and while it all drove me mad and often to tears, I am forever grateful to them! I learned of the college at an educational fair I attended while studying at Skagit Valley College, where I received my associates degree in early childhood education. I enrolled through applying for grants and loans which are now all paid off. 

"Grounded in its social justice heritage, Pacific Oaks College prepares students to be culturally intelligent agents of change serving diverse communities in the fields of human development, education, and related family studies. Pacific Oaks is committed to providing and promoting a diverse and inclusive environment for all students, faculty, and staff, where each person can succeed professionally regardless of race, ethnicity, culture, nationality, gender, religion, sexual orientation, gender identity, gender expression, age, marital status, or ability. We believe diversity and inclusion enrich the educational experience of our students, faculty, and staff and are necessary to prepare all people to thrive personally and professionally in a global society." https://www.pacificoaks.edu/

Over the years, since the early nineties, I have studied the works of and taken courses from Dr Caroline Myss, author of "Anatomy of The Spirit".  I first began listening to her audio tapes before reading her book and taking a two day course with Dr Myss. She has been another respected mentor for years now. 

I have read several books and articles and listened to many audio presentations by Pema Chodron, Tibetan Buddhist nun and teacher, now 84 years old. I make sincere efforts for myself to understand and practice her teachings, and the teaching of all of my mentors. I have used Pema's practices of understanding our shared humanity of harmony and chaos within ourselves in my professional work with individuals as a licensed Mental Health Therapist and a Reiki practitioner the whole of my professional career.

These past few weeks I’m again listening to Pema Chodron's audio “Coming Closer to Ourselves” (please see reference below). I would like to share my thoughts and recommendations for supporting chaotic energies you might be feeling and noticing in your body,  as part of a collective experience of discomfort and distress that may be affecting all of us at this time. I have been feeling more intense levels of both these types of energies lately, which leaves me feeling confused and hopeless. I find I need lots of space between tasks for quiet and calm.  I need lots of meditative moments of quietness. 

How I make decisions about how I might spend my day are often about making choices that are less active rather than more. I’ve found myself over focused, with a feeling of necessity, on the tragedy and chaos of world events and political wranglings which cause more and more internal distress in me. I need lots of reminders that I actually do know what to do. That through my learned and lived experiences that have led me to my Elderhood years, I do know how to make safe decisions and create calmness for myself.

 How and what do I choose to pay attention to...if any of it? What do I let go of as a matter of sanity in my own life? I recognize these on going inner questions and conflicts as being driven by something Pema Chodron calls,  “Ubiquitous Nervousness.” A term she often refers to in her talks, shared from her Buddhist teachers. We all carry some level of nervousness within us. The question is what do we do with it?  I’ve decided to share some personal practices that have been helpful to me over the years. I hope my experiences are helpful. 

At this writing I've been fully retired from professional work now for just over two years. Writing has become something that I find joyful and it keeps me mentally and emotionally active by enabling me to continue to stay connected to my years of practicing and reflecting on my own healthy self care. I have six grand children from the ages of 11 to 23 years old. I volunteer as a member of Friends of the Library in our community. I have a community garden plot that I love working in. I am enjoying new friendships through an International Grandmother's Circle that I was invited into about three years ago now. I have a full, rich life with my beloved husband. A beautiful and grateful life. However, I still feel overwhelmed by the world's chaotic turns and exhausting events. I need to practice self care...daily...to not be consumed by it!!

Pema Chodron's gentleness is refreshing, as is her intelligence and humor, as she guides you to understanding the purpose of practicing meditation. She describes her own experiences on how to be gentle and kind with yourself by accepting yourself just as you are right now. Her teachings as a Buddhist nun and teacher of Buddhism are about practicing meditation by bringing or settling into and staying with yourself with honesty. Developing clarity and courage as you become aware of your own feelings and thoughts at a deeper level. She guides us to consider being open to both the harmony and the chaos within. Learning to understand how to accept the tension of the duality of positive and negative emotions which are as she states, both just energy. 

Nothing to do beyond noticing and being curious about the energy in your body and the thoughts and emotions that arise. Becoming aware of whatever arises and letting go, as a practice of being with the energy. Staying with it, not trying to get rid of it or change anything as a necessary solution, which can often show up in ourselves as impulsive behaviors made to dispel the discomfort by attempting to get rid of it.

 I trained in Aikido, a modern form of Japanese martial art, for a short time. I started learning from a book. A friend introduced me to a dear soul who was trained in the art. He also happened to be a Baha’i. Through correspondence he eventually came to visit me and offered me a few instructions, giving me a book with steps to practice. I learned several movements and techniques that taught me how to make a conscious choice, through subtle movement and situational awareness. I learned to sit with the internal discomfort and let it pass, before ever acting or responding to the uncomfortable situation. I learned to make fewer, less harmful acts towards myself as well as others. I found these practices kept me safe in many situations in my life over the years, when I remember to practice them. 

The word remember is a verb: "to have or be able to bring to one's mind an awareness of (someone or something that one has seen, known, or expected in the past)." Oxfords language Dictionary.

I have come to appreciate Pema Chodron’s work because I’ve found it aligns in many ways with my spiritual beliefs and experiences. I have been a seeker of religious truth since a young child. I began going to church with neighbors, my parents did not have a church that they attended. When I was in the fourth grade my grandmother took me to the United Methodist Church where we attended Sunday school for a while and where I was given my first Bible which I still have and treasure. I began studying the Baha'i Writings and in the Spring of 1974. I was especially intrigued my the principle of "progression revelation" taught in the Holy Writing. There is a Baha'i teaching that states, "One hour of reflection is worth 70 years of pious worship." (Bahá’u’lláh, The Kitáb-i-Iqan, (The Book of Certitude, p. 238). There are no directions on how one should meditate in the Baha'i Writings, just that the practice brings you closer to understanding yourself as a spiritual being. 

I have learned for myself that I need some guidance as it relates to meditation and my path to my own spiritual practices and development. In the book, “Paris Talks”, a question was posed "What is meditation in reality and how do we meditate? ‘Abdu’l-Bahá explains the process in simple and clear terms: "It is an axiomatic fact that while you meditate you are speaking with your spirit. In that state of mind you put certain questions to your spirit and the spirit answers: the light breaks forth and the reality is revealed. You cannot apply the name ‘man’ to any being void of this faculty of meditation; without it he would be a mere animal, lower than the beasts." ‘Abdu’l-Bahá, Paris talks, pg 174-175. https://www.bahai.org/library/authoritative-texts/abdul-baha/paris-talks/

In learning meditation as it relates to one’s self emotionally and spiritually, Pema states, “Emotions are the combination of energy and thought. You let the thoughts go and what’s left is energy. This is the practice, not the solution, but the practice of meditation”.  I recommend studying her work, resources are below. In my opinion her teachings on the practice of meditation and her guidance in general can be considered a self care choice leading to a deeper calm. Something that I surely need and as I practice have found it to be very helpful in finding joy and a deeper meaning to my decisions and life's choices. 

One more way to define this principle and practice of choosing a meditation practice as an act of self care is to consider it as choosing to take a “Five Step Self Time Out” for yourself. This is a term my husband coined years ago as he was working with families. The Self Time Out Tools are very effective in breaking down the principles by using "feeling language" that is so often difficult to find within ourselves when we are overwhelmed with anxiety, frustration, anger and fear. 

As a retired mental health counselor, I’ve studied and written about these insight tools extensively now along side my husband, Chuck Britt, for over 27 years. Along with my Life skills and lived experiences, in the work I have done to support myself with the guidance and help of my incredible mentors over the years, I have come to believe in the practical application of the Self time Out Tools first hand. I have witnessed hundreds of individuals and families go through transformational healing using the tools. We have been offering free and printable materials on our website at https://www.selftimeout.org. 

As I become aware of the struggle and discomfort in my body, I can choose to reflect and ask myself, what do I feel, what do I need? I can ask, are my choices in this moment life giving, joyful and confirming, or are they life threatening and full of fear, anger and confusion? Very subtle meditative questions that can be a beginning to sitting down and moving closer to yourself.

Meditation then becomes more about learning to not struggle with the uncomfortable feelings of push and pull, for and against, natural dualistic thinking, as Pema Chodron describes it. But of actually discovering a curiosity about oneself. Do my choices bring comfort or escalation within myself and my relationships with others? Do my choices give me less turmoil and fear or a more relaxed sense of calm as I make decisions and go about my day? 

The practice of noticing my feelings and needs can be a gentle shift of awareness. As uncomfortable as it might feel, remember it’s only energy flowing within the body. I can stop at any given moment and address that energy in my body. As I do so, I will have more information to choose from about my feelings and my needs to make a plan to take care of myself, to be with myself, gently, listening to my feelings and needs. This  shift helps me to feel less anxious as I become more self aware and less distracted. This is the foundation of a "Five Step Self Time Out".  

Meditation and self reflection can serve as a way of noticing what I am feeling and needing as a pathway to reducing chaos and increasing joy in my life. These practices have become a part of my daily self care for quite some time now. They serve my spiritual, mental, emotional and physical needs in predictable patterns that have served to guide my choices over time. 

Maybe these practices effect me in the same way learning to ride a bike did when I was a kid. Neurological pathways of development, connecting and reconnecting throughout the body, at every step. Practicing what I've learned from my mentors over the years and being supported by the practical use of  insightful self care tools, has created patterns within my being that keeps me balanced and supported, for the most part, in feeling confident in myself and my choices in these my Elderhood years.

 I know what it feels like to fall off the path. I know what it feels like to get back on the path. I can choose to continue to practice what works for me in my Elderhood years. How do I address my fears and confusions about what it feels like to be getting "older".  Sharing my writings, my stories, and my self care practices with you here, helps me stay connected with myself and with my life as I walk this path and learn to balance the chaos about what Elderhood means for me.

 The most recent book that I am reading now is titled, "Elderhood" Redefining Aging, Transforming Medicine, Reimagining Life. By Louise Aronson MD. 2021. She is a graduate of Harvard Medical School, a geriatrician, educator and professor of medicine at the University of California. It is a 450 page textbook. 

Here are a few more resources you may find helpful:

Pema Chödrön (Standard Tibetan: པདྨ་ཆོས་སྒྲོན།, romanized: padma chos sgron, lit. 'lotus dharma lamp'; born Deirdre Blomfield-Brown, July 14, 1936) is an American-born Tibetan Buddhist. She is an ordained nun, former acharya of Shambhala Buddhism and disciple of Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche.Chödrön has written several dozen books and audiobooks, and was principal teacher at Gampo Abbey in Nova Scotia until recently.  She retired in 2020.

Pema Chodron https://www.soundstrue.com/products/coming-closer-to-ourselves (from Sounds True publications, soundstrue.com)

Pema Chodron A talk from Sounds True: “Unconditional Confidence, Instructions for Meeting any Experience with Trust and Courage.”

Pema Chodron “The Places That Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness. A Guide to fearlessness in Difficult times.”

I suggest reading any of Pema Cohodron's articles in the magazine, Lions Roar. The most interesting current article of Pema’s is:https://www.lionsroar.com/from-suffering-to-awakening-3-ways-to-transform-your-emotions/ you may need to create a free account.

Finally often in Pema Chodron’s talks she will refer you to her recommendations for readings that led her to becoming a Buddhist nun and one of the main writings and authors she refers to is on the subject of “negative negativity”. 

One such writing link is at: https://www.thezengateway.com/culture/choegyam-trungpa-working-with-negativity 

Clarissa Pinkola Estés (née Reyes; born January 27, 1945) is a Mexican-American writer and Jungian psychoanalyst. She is the author of Women Who Run with the Wolves (1992), which remained on the New York Times bestseller list for 145 weeks and has sold over two million copies. 

Caroline Myss (pronounced mace; born December 2, 1952) is an American author of 10 books and many audio recordings about mysticism and wellness. She is most well known for publishing Anatomy of the Spirit (1996). She also co-published The Creation of Health with Dr C Norman Shealy, MD, former Harvard professor of neurology. Myss describes herself as a medical intuitive and a mystic. 

Maria Tecla Artemisia Montessori (/ˌmɒntɪˈsɔːri/ MON-tiss-OR-ee; Italian: [maˈriːa montesˈsɔːri]; 31 August 1870 – 6 May 1952) was an Italian physician and educator best known for her philosophy of education (the Montessori method) and her writing on scientific pedagogy. At an early age, Montessori enrolled in classes at an all-boys technical school, with hopes of becoming an engineer. She soon had a change of heart and began medical school at the Sapienza University of Rome, becoming one of the first women to attend medical school in Italy; she graduated with honors in 1896. Her educational method is in use globally in many public and private schools.

The Kitab-I-Iqan: The Book of Certitude. "A treatise revealed by Bahá’u’lláh in Baghdad in 1861/62 in response to questions posed by one of the maternal uncles of the Báb, translated by Shoghi Effendi and first published in English in 1931." https://www.bahai.org/library/authoritative-texts/bahaullah/kitab-i-iqan/ 

The official website of the worldwide Baha'i community: https://www.bahai.org/

"Blessed is the spot, and the house, and the place, and the city, and the heart, and the mountain, and the refuge, and the cave, and the valley, and the land, and the sea, and the island, and the meadow where mention of God hath been made, and His praise glorified." Bah'u'llah. https://www.bahaiprayers.org

Top photo taken of me age 77, at Grandveiw Cemetery Anacortes, WA, October 30, 2025 by my husband. 

Bottom photo taken of me at about age 30, by my friend Marcy North, in the Summer of 1978. Gentlemen in the background are Bill Mitchell of Anacortes, and his friend, of whom I do not have a name.